So, I know that this blog has only one follower but I think it's important I keep it up for me so here goes. I haven't been able to sleep as I said before. But it went from motivation to pure exhaustion. My body doesn't want to sleep, so instead I'm dwelling.
I recently lost my step son, who I will call John (name is changed) well starting in April but it feels recent. My step-son is not my husband's biological son, but he came along with his sister, Jane (my husband's daughter and John's half sister). They have a history of being abused by their mother's boyfriends. So when I heard some claims from John I called child protection services. We'll their mother, who I'll call the Witch was angry and decided to punish my husband and me took John away from us.
CPS told me that the claims were not serious enough to investigate (though there was holes punched in my Jane's wall in her room). They blew me off.
Later during a whole bunch of details that I don't have time to write, my husband let it slip that I have a personality disorder. So, the Witch had her ammo. She called CPS on me, told them I was unstable and had a mental illness. So, a social worker shows up at my door, investigating me. When I asked him why, he said, "Cuz you're mentally ill."
I have no history of hurting the kids, I go to school conferences and doctor's appts. I love both the kids like they are my own. The word mental illness came out and suddenly I was viewed as a dangerous parent.
Well, now that school is about to start I'm starting to realize how much I miss. My mom and I are taking Jane shopping on Friday for back to school. Usually my mom and I take John one weekend and Jane the next and have a special day with them. I can't do that this year. I can't take pictures of John when he goes into the building. It's hard and it's sad. And I've been thinking about it a lot. It's what I think about while I'm trying to sleep. I am scared that with school starting I'm going to start getting depressed and missing the kids more and more. I'm already exhausted and weepy.
I have wanted to put my missing John into an art piece but I don't know how yet. I have to figure out what to do to get this out of me. It's eating me.
It's making me exhausted.
<3 You have been through SO much with those kids and in their hearts they know you are there for them, despite the witch. Same with your husband. I will keep you in my prayers, you know how I am. I'm sorry that all our time talking the other night was consumed by my issues. I want to know what's going on with you too, because I care and I love you. I know that this stuff really eats at you and you try to shove it down to be there for others, but you need to talk about it too, whether its to me or in your blog. I'm glad you got it out a little. Call me!
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