Not coming through

So, my friend Sarah is up this weekend. Since I also had my stepdaughter we decided to do art with her on Sunday. My stepdaughter loved it and painted and almost  ran me out of canvases but my own art seemed stunted, as did Sarah's. We couldn't get ours right.

We were both tired and hadn't slept. But I produced art that I didn't feel. And in thinking about I realized the past week or so I am not feeling. I am going through a daze through the motions, exhausted. My passion at the moment seems dwindled and I am hoping that it is not the start of a relapse of anything. I feel like I'm teetering on the brink (of what I don't know) and not feeling art at the moment is scary.

What is that though? The brink? Why did these art pieces represent a brink and teetering on it? I feel discombobulated and tired right now. It's late and I"m getting very little sleep.

But I finished three pieces, which I will post on facebook. I will fill you in more laters.

Energy Art

So, I thought about doing art, just out of anxiety. So, this new profile pic is what I came up just by feeling instead of thinking.  Once I looked it kind of said a lot. It was really how I felt. I wanted out of all this pain, and feeling. I wanted out of this situation with my stepson. I want out....

I don't want you to think my life is sucky or I am whiny. I just get in these moods that I want out of.  So I took my sketch pad. I got my bad energy out without hurting myself. I felt tired but relieved afterward. It was all out of my system and I was able to just go to bed comfortably.

I want you all to know that this art is not about being "good" or trained or making things people like. It's about yourself (or myself). It's not a gift to society, but to yourself. Just let your art be, which is what I did last night. It was a mad, concentrated dash...but it helped me get over the hump of what I was feeling last night.

Cutting

So, I have a hard time admitting this publicly and in the moment but I do self injure. It has been a lot better lately, and a lot less frequent than it has been in the past.  Someday I will share the first time I started but that's not for today.
So last night I self injured.  Since I moved around my stepson's room, his absence has been stronger than ever. I feel him here, and I feel awkward without him here. I also started a new babysitting job, helping a friend out. The little boy I'll be watching is my stepson's age and he reminds me of him. Both boys have the vibrant, over energetic air about them which is what made me fall in love with my step son. I feel like he's(my stepson)  still part of me and the cutting was trying to get him out of me.....to stop his absence from hurting. 

DISCLAIMER-Just so you know, I am under the care of a therapist and I see her today and will let her know. I am not seriously injured....if you do self injure, get help. It is  not safe and it's a symptom of something else going on. DISCLAIMER

I am going to share with you my journal entry from last night here, after I cut. It's not poetry or anything but it's just what I was feeling...

Journal Entry, 9/13/2011
If you were the reason I woke up in the morning what are you now? The reason I can't wake up?
If you were the reason I was healed, are you now the reason I am sick?
What are you now little one? You were the gravitational force that held me to earth, so what's keeping me standing now?
What are you little one? A ghost is a shadow of what once was alive-but you? You are just gone. I don't even have ghosts.
What are you little one? You were the reason I rose at night, to open your door a crack and make sure you were safe; to hear your soft mutterings in sleep and I was always amazed that dreams were happening in front of me. Now, when I hear those soft beautiful mutterings I know I am the one who is dreaming.
When do you stop being mine? How will I know the moment when you stop being apart of me and just become a faded memory?
When will you get out of me? You are in me but it hurts when you're not with me. Can I bleed you out of me but what I am when the last of you is gone?

Thanks for reading folks. Love your children and hug your children. There's nothing more special than loving a child. I am lucky, I know the child I raised and love is alive and thriving.

I had a hard time waking up this morning, I am tired. But I have to get to work and to my therapists today. I don't have time to grieve right now. Thanks again for reading.

Sticky Note TC update

Today I had a meeting about bring the Sticky Note Project to my area. If you don't know what the The Sticky Note Project is yet, read through my posts or go to www.thestickynoteproject.com.  I met with the local Women's Resource Center and we had a lot of ideas to get the project going here. I think we can make it a real presence in my area and we need that.

I need it most of all. I've been living my life the last couple years only focused on how sick I was, what was going on with my stepchildren. I felt purposeless and loosing my stepson recently made it a lot worse. I had made so much of what I wanted to do part of them. But now I know to be healthy I need to do something bigger with my life than focus on myself and the fact that I have no control over whether my step children are safe or not. This is really really important we need this in TC!

I have to thank my friend Mary for this. It is her project and she has given me the motivation again to get on board and be proactive. All my love to her too!

Exhausted and sad

Due to a lot of drama in the past six or seven months, I lost my step son. His biological mother took him away after he told me of abuse going on his house and I took action. Since he wasn't my husbands biological son, we had no control.

So, today I cleaned out his room. Got rid of stuff that we'd never use again, his clothes. I kept up all the stuff he had on his walls, it still feels like his. I put my art stuff in his room, trying to make it into something positive but it just hurts. I got it all done in a quick hurried frenzy but now I just feel so so sad.  Nothing's going to make up for space that's gone in my house. I raised him for from the time he was three till he was eight. He had so much light and he's gone and I don't know how to express that, express how much it hurts.

My house feels like he was here yesterday. He asked to talk to his cat the other day when I was talking to his sister on the phone, but his mom pulled the phone from her hands so he couldn't even be connected. He's gone and my art supplies and drawers and canvases doesn't fill it like a little boy can. Is that what I am doing with my art, replacing him? What replaces a child you loose?

Art is Art, right Meggie?

So I had been promising my stepdaughter all weekend that we would do art.  Well, we had been busy every day and weren't able to do anything. So, yesterday we went to my husband's friend's  bbq....(something I didn't wanna be at anyway) and my step daughter came over and told me she was in pain.... The next second she was doubled over with stomach pain. We rushed her to the emergency room, with her screaming and crying the whole way. She is six.  I was scared there was something really wrong. It ended up being something simple but I was so worried.

So today I told her we could be creative and do whatever we wanted  So, we got out paint, and canvases and different types of brushes. I told her she could use whatever she wanted and as much as she wanted. We had a great time. She kept on asking if she could use something. When I told her she could use whatever she wanted she'd say, Art is Art, right Meggie? So sweet.

It felt wonderful knowing she was not in the hospital, her pain was gone and I could something I promised with her.

Another weekend.....

So, I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental health relapse. I am trying really hard not to. But I haven't been sleeping well, and I am having nightmares. I am also struggling with eating. I had been anorexic years ago but I have been heavy for awhile. It feels refreshing not to be able to eat much, but  I've been binging at night. I gotta find a way to even out. I've signed up for classes and am working.  I worked yesterday even. I'm exhausted and I'm worried about my husband....he working all the time. He's tired all the time too.

I feel like right now things could either go really really right, or really really wrong and I am teetering. Thank God I have art, something to get it out of me.  I've been trying since Friday to do some but between school shopping, and work I haven't  had the time. I plan to stay home tomorrow and do some with my step daughter.


I hope I stay stable. This blog has helped, giving me something to work on.....