Cutting

So, I have a hard time admitting this publicly and in the moment but I do self injure. It has been a lot better lately, and a lot less frequent than it has been in the past.  Someday I will share the first time I started but that's not for today.
So last night I self injured.  Since I moved around my stepson's room, his absence has been stronger than ever. I feel him here, and I feel awkward without him here. I also started a new babysitting job, helping a friend out. The little boy I'll be watching is my stepson's age and he reminds me of him. Both boys have the vibrant, over energetic air about them which is what made me fall in love with my step son. I feel like he's(my stepson)  still part of me and the cutting was trying to get him out of me.....to stop his absence from hurting. 

DISCLAIMER-Just so you know, I am under the care of a therapist and I see her today and will let her know. I am not seriously injured....if you do self injure, get help. It is  not safe and it's a symptom of something else going on. DISCLAIMER

I am going to share with you my journal entry from last night here, after I cut. It's not poetry or anything but it's just what I was feeling...

Journal Entry, 9/13/2011
If you were the reason I woke up in the morning what are you now? The reason I can't wake up?
If you were the reason I was healed, are you now the reason I am sick?
What are you now little one? You were the gravitational force that held me to earth, so what's keeping me standing now?
What are you little one? A ghost is a shadow of what once was alive-but you? You are just gone. I don't even have ghosts.
What are you little one? You were the reason I rose at night, to open your door a crack and make sure you were safe; to hear your soft mutterings in sleep and I was always amazed that dreams were happening in front of me. Now, when I hear those soft beautiful mutterings I know I am the one who is dreaming.
When do you stop being mine? How will I know the moment when you stop being apart of me and just become a faded memory?
When will you get out of me? You are in me but it hurts when you're not with me. Can I bleed you out of me but what I am when the last of you is gone?

Thanks for reading folks. Love your children and hug your children. There's nothing more special than loving a child. I am lucky, I know the child I raised and love is alive and thriving.

I had a hard time waking up this morning, I am tired. But I have to get to work and to my therapists today. I don't have time to grieve right now. Thanks again for reading.