A story of stigma and it's power

So, I know that this blog has only one follower but I think it's important I keep it up for me so here goes. I haven't been able to sleep as I said before. But it went from motivation to pure exhaustion. My body doesn't want to sleep, so instead I'm dwelling.

I recently lost my step son, who I will call John (name is changed)  well starting in April but it feels recent. My step-son is not my husband's biological son, but he came along with his sister, Jane (my husband's daughter and John's half sister). They have a history of being abused by their mother's boyfriends. So when I heard some claims from John I called child protection services. We'll their mother, who I'll call the Witch was angry and decided to punish my husband and me took John away from us.

CPS told me that the claims were not serious enough to investigate (though there was holes punched in my Jane's wall in her room). They blew me off. 

Later during a whole bunch of details that I don't have time to write,  my husband let it slip that I have a personality disorder. So, the Witch had her ammo. She called CPS on me, told them I was unstable and had a mental illness. So, a social worker shows up at my door, investigating me. When I asked him why, he said, "Cuz you're mentally ill."

I have no history of hurting the kids, I go to school conferences and doctor's appts. I love both the kids like they are my own. The word mental illness came out and suddenly I was viewed as a dangerous parent.

Well, now that school is about to start I'm starting to realize how much I miss. My mom and I are taking Jane shopping on Friday for back to school. Usually my mom and I take John one weekend and Jane the next and have a special day with them. I can't do that this year. I can't take pictures of John when he goes into the building. It's hard and it's sad. And I've been thinking about it a lot. It's what I think about while I'm trying to sleep. I am scared that with school starting I'm going to start getting depressed and  missing the kids more and more. I'm already exhausted and weepy.

I have wanted to put my missing John into an art piece but I don't know how yet. I have to figure out what to do to get this out of me. It's eating me. 
It's making me exhausted.

Too Lazy

So, the weekends are always a lazy time for me. I've been so tired this weekend.  I am still really motivated from my trip but I am just too tired to do much. I really want to start learning how to draw and to paint, and I need to practice.  It's hard not being able to have the energy to do what I love to do. I barely have the energy to do what I need to do. Sigh. But I'm going to try after I clean my house to do something. It's only six o'clock.

Drained and Muted

So, I am so tired.  I haven't been sleeping and I'm in the sort of numb daze. So I saw my therapist today and she said, "you had so much energy last week after your trip, the spark is gone this week isn't it?" And I was thinking about it and she's right. The Sticky Note Project and being around all these artists and musicians was completely amazing. It was so energizing.  I had all these crazy ideas in my head, all these art supplies from this really cool art shop in Montpelier. And I come home to this....This meaning all the trouble with loosing my step-son, work. My husband is very left brained and has no art sense at all about him. My best friend is far away in Detroit. I want to be able to share what happened and feel the same enthusiasm coming from someone else. I understand that my husband doesn't get art.
So I have all these ideas and plans about this blog, about different mediums I want to try about taking a creative writing class, and there's no one to bounce them off of.  I guess the biggest thing is I'm going to have to ask for that attention.
It can be so frustrating to be different. I need to do art like I need my antidepressants and my therapist. It's part of my health, but I'm in a community where I have to do my art alone. It makes me feel alone.
Okay, so this is a whiny post but it is what it is.

Day off Art

Yay! Tomorrow's my day which means I get to stay home (minus a bunch of errands). It's my time to do art without interruption. I like having day to what I need to to be creative. It's frustrating because by Wednesday I am literally exhausted and overwhelmed. It's hard only being able to work 2 days at a time. But spending the day focused on art, by myself really helps.  My advice to any mental health sufferers or any artist is to take a break so you can focus on you. I picked Wednesday's because my husband works that day and I have the whole day to create by myself. It's a perfect refresher.

Still reeling from last week

So, I decided to start a blog (something I swore I would never ever do by the way) after last week. My friend from high school was putting on an event called the Sticky Note Project (find it on Facebook). It was an art and music event to raise awareness for mental illness as part of the Vermont Festival of Art. It was an amazing location with amazing people there.  The point of the events was to start erasing the stigmas around mental illness. My friend and her band held a concert while art was on display. There were also speakers and stories. 

I was really honored that I was able to show my own art at the show.  I was also one of the speakers and I shared journal entries and poetry. It was really eye opening to see people come together like they did, to discuss mental illness and art.

It really got me motivated. I have always been an activist but as of late between work and family I haven't been as active as I would like to be. So I decided to start a blog, to start recording how and what I am doing artistically and health wise.
I hope that something I say or post will help someone with their own journey.